By: Heather Klein, “Wife of SPC Klein”
Edited by: Gary J. Groman, a.k.a. The Ole Seagull
This week’s column is a drastic departure from what most readers normally expect, in fact, except for this introduction it will not even be written by the Ole Seagull. Whether it is because he knows the people involved or feels that thousands of other soldier’s wives, mothers, grandparents, and loved ones hear the same comments and questions, the information, poignancy and emotion in the email from Heather Klein, the wife of SPC Kory Klein, currently serving with the U.S. Army Reserve in Iraq, needs to be shared and, except for some slight editing, is printed below as submitted.
“Heather’s Letter”
As a military wife I am asked many questions. While I do believe that most people do genuinely mean well, I would like to share how some of these comments and questions affect the person who is receiving them.
1. “I am against/for this war.”
Seriously this comment does not help or make any military wife feel better. Nobody likes war, nobody wants war and most of all; nobody wants their loved one in the middle of a combat zone. One’s political standing on the war aside, if you really want to offer a wife or loved one something, tell them that you are praying for their soldier. Those few words will go a very long way in giving that loved one a bit of peace.
2. “Do you worry about your spouse cheating? Is it hard to be faithful?”
I can’t tell you how insulting and hurtful this question is. I married a man who believes his word is the most important thing he has to give. I did not end up with a husband serving a year in Iraq because he goes back on his word; I ended up in such a position because he lives up to his word. Be here at home or in a war zone, my husband does not break his promises, I never doubt his fidelity here at home, I don’t doubt while he was in Iraq. I am not an idiot.
3. “I could not do it.”
If I had a dime for every time someone said this to a military wife, I wouldn’t need a retirement fund. I don’t want to live a year without my husband but I married a soldier and by doing so, I made the choice to do whatever it takes. I don’t feel like I do it either, but I do not have too many options at the time. He was called up; he went and I did what I had to do to manage on my own. We often discover that we can do a great deal more than we believe ourselves capable when it matters.
4. “Are you afraid your husband might hurt you now that he has killed other people?”
This is a question that is a bit watered down because I have actually had people use the term “murder” in this dialog. No question enrages me more than this one. First, you are assuming that every soldier has killed someone. This is not true. While every single service member carries a gun in Iraq and other combat zones not all actually have to shoot them. When they are actually fired it is for preservation of their own lives or the lives of others. The men and women of our military are well trained but they are not murderers instead they are the people that are trying to keep others from murdering innocent civilians. I have never feared my husband. He is a loving and protective man who would never hurt me in any way.
5. “Are you afraid for him?”
I can only believe that this is a question because someone does not know what else to say. Any military wife who is not afraid is lacking something very basic inside. A military wife is afraid twenty four hours a day. I quit watching the news as often as possible because it only fed my fears. I also don’t like to talk about my fears because it put my emotions a bit too close to the surface.
6. I know how you feel; my husband went away for a hunting trip a few weeks ago.
You have no idea how I feel. I wake up every morning and pray “Please God, just let him still be alive at the end of today.” I always felt that if I ask for more than one day, I was being selfish, so I ask for one day at time. I have lived this for ten months now and six to go, which is less than many military wives go through.
I spend most days not knowing for sure if my husband is safe or if he is hurt. Words such as “dead” have been removed my vocabulary because saying them might make them real. I didn’t do this for a weekend, I didn’t do it for a week, and I did this for going on almost a year now. I live with my stomach in a knot and at night as I sleep all my worst fears would play out in graphic detail in my dreams. Unless you have been there you have no idea how it feels to have your husband in a combat zone. Military wives are not made of steel and we are not much different from anyone else. We just have different circumstances.
7. “Are you mad at him for doing this to you?”
This question puzzles me. I have yet to meet a single military wife who is mad at her husband for doing “this” to her. I am still trying to figure out what my husband did to me. Yes, I had moments of anger and yes sometimes that anger was directed at him. The day the air conditioner broke and I couldn’t get it to start, I kicked the garage wall, cried and cussed at him. I was angry because he wasn’t here, I was angry because I didn’t know from day to day what was going to happen, I was just plain angry.
He, of course, did not hear a word of any of it because he is half way across the world. I never felt that this was something my husband did to me instead I see it as something he did for me, our children, grandchildren and anyone who wants to live in a free country. I am proud of him, I am proud of his service and I am honored to be the woman that not only carries his name but his heart.
As a military wife I have a lot to deal with. Yes, I am married to a soldier but just because I am a military wife does not give anyone the right to just blurt out whatever comes to their mind while I stand back and behave like the perfect and proper soldier’s wife. While I am the wife of a soldier, I am also human with feelings and I respond with emotion when you hit a raw nerve. Before saying something thoughtless to a military wife or anyone for that matter, consider that your words just might cause them pain.
